My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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