I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
