the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
