so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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