just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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