I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
