i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
