I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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