Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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