Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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