she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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