Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
