i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
where are my eyebrows?
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