He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Couch. On fire.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
