The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
