giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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