I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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