You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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