and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
