in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
