I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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