someone threw a dead crab at me
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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