i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i think i just lost a toe
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
