yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Less talking, more tequila
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
