By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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