ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
