I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
You peed on a flamingo?!?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
