I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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