I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
