I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
