Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
