they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
