Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
