Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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