Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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