on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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