Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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