is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Houston, we have a blender
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
this is an emotional support booty call
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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