Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
