Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
