I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
