just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
