an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
