so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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