So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
