You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
