It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
