Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
you made out with another girl for some wings
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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