i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
