I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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