So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
