I'm jealous of your bromance
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
