can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
