I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
