Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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