I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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