I can text with my tongue
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
