Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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