I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
