At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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