Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
