I must be too annoying 4 u.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
